Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Yesterday was just one of those days.  Returning to The Real World after a three day weekend is difficult.  Tuesdays generally suck anyway.  Having Tuesday be "Monday" makes me cringe.  Dealing with a RAINY, cold Tuesday as the start to the work week?  Sucks, exponentially.  Is it more proper to say it exponentially sucks?  Does it really matter??  I made up that whole concept of incorporating exponential into every facet of my life.  I get to make the rules.

I was already down in the dumps over the end of summer and I hate the fact that it was right up in my face.  Rain, torrential, of course, when I had to leave my house.  Temperature at least 20 degrees colder than the day before.  THINKING about the fact that I could not run out in flip flops.  I finally understand how they decided upon the name UGG for the boots I shoved on my feet when I ran out for yoga.  ugggggghhhhh.

Last week, I was so thrilled at my ability to put away all the remnants of Irene.  I was looking forward to getting my office in order in the same efficient manner.  It's still a disaster.  Seven full days later.  And now, my house is upside down again.  It was tidy when I got up yesterday.  By the time 4PM rolled around, it was a disaster area.  Every single room.

What the hell happened?  Did I just give up when I started the day?  Disgusted with the changing season?? Something derailed the day and that pattern is now crystal clear.  The moment "something" happens, I am done.  It could be as silly as a distracting text message and I am the dog chasing its tail.  I don't know how to maintain my focus.  I don't know how to stop myself from a free fall right into the abyss.

It's an out of body experience because I DO watch myself in action.  I catch a glimpse that it's coming.  I see the ADD aspect is about to take control and damn it to hell, I don't understand WHY I let it happen.  Isn't awareness supposed to be the key to this whole thing?  Well, duh, awareness isn't doing a thing to avert "those" days.  I was aware my concentration was slipping.  I was WELL aware I was beginning to leave a trail of "AnneMarie" throughout the entire house as I meandered in circles.  So much for the epiphany of "Awareness is Key."

There is nothing worse than beginning a new day and having to deal with yesterday's mess.  Despite knowing this, I could not motivate myself to straighten up even a little bit.  And so, today is now derailed, too.  Yoga mat is in the middle of the floor-a tripping hazard which may easily land me in the emergency room.  My cell phone is in another room, SOMEWHERE.  Time to grab the laptop and begin the "Find My iPhone" app.  My bag?  Who knows.  Mail?  Still in the mailbox, forgot to bring it in.  And, where the hell are my keys??  I have to get out of here for an appointment in the city.

Ugggghhhh again.  Nothing like driving into Manhattan in the rain and then having to walk the streets IN THE RAIN.

My solution for all of this?  No more three day weekends for me.  If Monday is a holiday, the rest of the world can commence on Tuesday.  I can't pick things up in the middle.  So, my chemo brain sisters, I am going to begin implementing my own rules.  Rule #1:  If Monday is a holiday, then Tuesday through Friday are sick days.

And that, quite simply, is THAT.

Up tomorrow?  IF I can sustain any intelligible thoughts......This blog has gone full circle in less than two months.  In my very first post I made a crack about my gummy bear implants.  They are in the news, front and center with the FDA.  I am officially in the window of "they need to be replaced."  WHATever......    


  1. You are so funny...
    I'm all for making the rest of the week sick days after a Monday holiday too.
    Thank you for the sweet comment on my blog.
    I am so behind on reading my friends blogs :(
    I have been going thru an infection and swelling up painful in my breast area.I was at my Drs again yesterday

    Back to the binder so my body can reabsorb this fluid.
    I go to the oncologist for the first time today and am kind of afraid. It's just the I don't know why...but I am :(

  2. Debbi,
    I know why you are afraid. I was THERE five years ago dreading what I knew I would hear and that chemotherapy would be in my future. To be dealing with infection and swelling AND the oncologist... that's a bit much. We get to feel sad and we get to feel mad and we get to feel HOWEVER and WHATEVER we feel. Please let me know what happens after your consult.

  3. I am so downhearted right now. :(
    Every time I go to a Dr it seems more bad news, when I'm trying so hard to stay upbeat and positive.
    I just don't "get" these Doctors at all
    Thanks so much for understanding AnneMarie.
    It's bad enough dealing with cancer. But when you cant trust that your Drs have told you everything it makes the visits that much harder
    Is it ok to answer back on the blog like this?
    I have found Blogger will not let you have the "reply" option .
    The only way of reply back is to use a hack and alter the code.
    Can we say DUH !!!!
    But if it's ok and the people on my blog will get it this way I want to start replying. I feel bad that I don't
    I am so new to blogging.

  4. Debbi,
    I see I had a reply to you and it was unposted. I am new to blogging too... and I am such a distracted mess I leave things hanging for days. I hope you are a bit better. Stay in touch. I was there, I do remember how it all felt, how overwhelming it all was.... I care.


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