Hi blog buddies...
I know many of you are familiar with Karen. She interacts with many of us, leaving very beautiful comments on many of our blogs.
I received an email from her a little while ago.
She needs our good thoughts. She is okay. Something is happening with her husband and beyond that, all I can say is that she is terrified and alone.
She specifically asked that I reach out to those of you who know her..... asking to please send good wishes her way....
I suppose for now, you can leave notes here...... I realize it's already late on the east coast.... but please help me share this with all of the people that have come to know and love Karen for her beautiful, eloquent and oftentimes, colorful comments....
Karen... I love you.... Feel free to share as much as you wish in the comments. I didn't feel it was my place to tell your story.
Sharing this on Facebook, twitter and hope everyone will keep it going.
xoxoxox
Added note:
Please read through the comments..... Karen has shared what is happening right now. Things are dire as she explains and I was frantic when I was reading her email. The situation is not changed as of right now but I'm sure she will update here for all of you if and when she can.
All of the updates are below. Hugh's farewell is here.
Links to other blogs in support of Karen or where her comments have been shared are here. It's another post on this blog where I've closed the comments hoping you will go see what others have shared......
(((Karen)) You and your husband are in my thoughts. I'm sorry for whatever is going on and I hope that it can be resolved. (((more hugs)))
ReplyDeleteTHANK you Brandie... For jumping right in....
DeleteI'm trying to post this in as many places as I can....
Taking it to Facebook now....
You are The BEST..... xoxoxo
Dear Karen, I don't think I know who you are, but if Anne Marie is your friend, so am I. :-) I am sending love and good thoughts out to you, as well as big hugs. It's good you reached out. xoxo Liza
ReplyDeletethank you for your good thoughts, your big hugs, and your love, liza. it's all so appreciated and i have taken it to heart, feeling comforted and hopeful.
Deletelove, xoxo,
karen
AM: Any friend of yours is a friend of mine. Since I am a notorious night owl, I just wanted to channel some good energy Karen's way. This sounds rather serious and I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Let us know if we can do anything to help. xx
ReplyDeletethe good energy you've sent out is much appreciated, BA. i feel it and will keep it in my heart.
Deletelove, xoxo,
karen
Hello Karen, thanks for reaching out to AnneMarie. I will keep you in my heart and thoughts and encourage you to keep reaching out to great friends like AnneMarie. The strength you need is within you and we will work to help you find it. -Take care, Paula
ReplyDeletedear paula, thank you so much for your encouragement to dig deep and find the strength i so need right now. the compassion you've expressed has helped me do jst that.
Deletelove, xoxo
karen
AnneMarie, thanks for letting us know that Karen needs our support!
ReplyDeleteKaren, you are always SO very generous with your wit and wisdom; please know that there is a whole lotta love out here in the blogosphere that will help to hold you up during whatever is going on for you right now. Please know that you are not alone. I am praying that you have the strength you need to deal with whatever lay ahead of you. Sending big {{{{hugs}}}} my friend!!! xoxoxoxo
-Renn
oh, renn, thank you for every single word you wrote. i do FEEL the love, and that i am not alone. that is HUGE, and is helping me so much. thank you for the big hugs and for your friendship.
Deletelove, XOXO,
karen
Thanks, AnnMarie. Karen leaves a comment on almost every post. I sometimes feel she is a member of my own family. I sent an email and will keep checking back.
ReplyDeletexo
yvonne
dear yvonne,
Deletei am so touched with how you have been checking on me, so very grateful for the bond we have formed. i answered your e-mail - a little late, but i had to catch my breath. you are a very special soul, and i am so thankful i not only found you, but that express such kindness and caring.
love, xoxo
karen
Sending huge love to you Karen. Even if we don't know each other personally - any friend of AnneMarie's is a friend of mine. I hope the load you ar carrying starts to feel a little lighter.
ReplyDeletedear terri, your words are testament of just how profound compassion is, that it spans the boundaries of the blogosphere, and can be sent with love and caring - received and held close to hurting hearts. thank you for that - it is a great comfort to me.
Deletelove, xoxo,
karen
Today, I received a note from Terri ..... While she might not have connected the dots when she wrote this comment... she has connected them now....
DeleteIn September, she devoted an entire blog post to Karen because of a beautiful comment that was left on A Fresh Chapter...
http://www.afreshchapter.com/you-always-have-a-choice.html
I'm going to include this in the body of the post above so it's a clickable link.....
xoxox
dear annemarie,
ReplyDeletethis morning i found hugh in our bed, unresponsive, with no respirations, no heartbeat. i called 911, and they dispatched 2 units of paramendics and emts. unable to get his heart started twice, they tried one more time and got a heart beat. he was taken to cardiac ICU, put into a medically induced coma, then a hypothermic state.
while some of this process was done i had to leave hugh in the ICU so i could go next door to the cancer center to get my herceptin infusion. so, very hard to have to make that choice, but it's what hugh would have wanted
later in the afternoon the cardiac RN came to the waiting room to tell us hugh was having seizures. he was given massives doses of meds to stop them they have ruled out a heart attack, lungs shutting down, a embolism. tomorrow, they wil beging warming him up, removing the meds for the medically induced coma, and testing via protocol for his brain function. there has been a tremendous out pouring of support. but none of it comforts me, none of it can cancel out the terror i feel, the awful anger, and the sorrow. i want to hold him, i want to lay beside him, i want us to be able to say how much we love and adore each other, i want to take him home so he can once again revel in the spring flowers and trees and hear our little frog fountain spitting water into our little pond. i want to wrap him in a comfy blanket, facing the place where we watch the moon and the stars come out, holding hands and sipping wine, and feeling smuggly thrilled that we are together, at one in face of all the nature that comforts and delights us. in those moments there are no cancers, no fears, no looking back or over our shoulders - in those moments it is just we two, loving and living the joys of ordinary days.
but he is swathed in ice cold matresses and blankets, his body is cold, his eyes are taped shut, and i have only access to tiny patches of his sweet face to carress, and only one of his sweet hands to hold, and stroke and kiss each finger. i think of how his hands have been miracles of tenderness and touch - holding our children, now our grandchildren
everyone says be strong, don't lose hope, it will all be okay. i try with all my might, i use my will forged in iron to cling to each of those things. but nothing can cancel out the terror i feel, the thought that i might lose my beloved. i am overwhelmed with anticipatory grief, feeling guilty for the accompanying thoughts that are selfish; i am angry when i think of how hard we have tried to live in the face of our two incurable cancers, and i am devastated and utterly bewildered as to how i can go on facing cancer alone, without my daring hugh, who knows every nuance of any discomfort, or pain.
i do not want to feel my heart breaking, i want to fill up the cracks with immeasurable love, with gratitude that he is still alive, with hope that he can remain alive, and envision every single baby step we will take together to make it happen. i do not want to see myself dissove into a puddle of tears - i've cried more in one day than in four years. whatever happens i want to honor my sweet hugh with grace and dignity, and thankfulness for all that we have shared. tonight i want to fall asleep free of the dread of tomorrow, and calm my quaking heart, aligning it with the very bigggest hope that i know is being held in the highest light of the love of all our family and friends, and belive with all i am made of that tomorrow will mean re-newal, and a release from this nightmare.
much love to you annemarie, and to you brandie for you kindness and for all those hugs.
karen, TC
Karen, This must be where we first connected. I'm glad to find my way back. It's so hard to read about your anguish and fears but thank you for sharing them. Somehow it lifts us all up when you can be so brave and honest. Please keep connecting with us all...we're all stronger when we stand together. Sending light and love...
Deleteoh, teresa
Deleteyour words, "please keep connecting with us all...we're all stronger when we stand together" have never been more true for me. i could never have imagined that writing my comments with my little cyber pen could have resulted in such riches of friendships formed and the empathy and love that has been expressed on my behalf.
i feel the light and love you are sending me and will keep them close to my heart as i face living without my beloved hugh.
much love to you, my dear friend, XOXOXOXO
karen
Oh Karen,
ReplyDeleteYour post brought tears to my eyes. I know there is nothing anyone can say to comfort you in this dire time of stress. All I can say is that I hope Hugh recovers so you don't have to face cancer alone and so you can cherish more wonderful moments.
Sending you more hugs.
xoxo
Beth
dear beth,
Deletehaving you joined in hope with me for hugh's recovery was uplifting and fortifying. though hugh was not able to recover, i don't believe for a second that hope was lost. it just turned into what it needed to be and was completely realized when my sweet darling died peacefully and without pain. thank you for thinking of me and for sending more hugs - i felt them and they helped me so much.
love, XOXO
karen
Karen you have brighened my day so many times. I always wanted to learn more about you and wished you had a blog. The other day I saw you joined Twitter and excitedly welcomed you to it. I thought now I get to connect more closely with the lovely Karen. What a terrible irony that this how I come to learn more about your life. You are such a warm, generous and loving soul and my thoughts and prayers are with you now in abundance. Much, much love to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteoh, my dear marie - i had high hopes to master the twitter thing, and will again. but annemarie giving me this space to write what was happening is helping me - being able to write through such sorrowful and overwhelming grief. thank you for your love and thoughts and prayers - they have helped me so much. and that long line of kisses? i felt them and their sweetness banished many a bitter tear.
Deletemuch love, and thank, marie, XOXOXOXOXO
KAREN
Oh Karen. I know there are no words to comfort you. While I know you only through the words on these pages, my heart is filled with your pain and the love between you and your husband. I am so sorry to hear of the unimaginably painful things you are going through. I will carry you both in my heart. Sending much love to you. Lisa
ReplyDeletedear lisa,
Deleteyour compassion, and how you have expressed it has touched my heart, and has eased some of the terrible sense of overwhelming loss of my beloved hugh. i can feel your longing to help me through such dark days, and sending the light of your love is very comforting to me.
with much love and thanks,
karen
Oh, dear god, why why must we go through this kind of pain? This is so unfair, so wrong and no, there is nothing that can make your heart feel better unitl this nightmare is over. But know you are cared for greatly, and please reach out to all these amazing people. xxoo lots of love and prayers.
ReplyDeletedear shannon,
Deleteyou are right - IT IS SO UNFAIR! the irony of hugh dying when he was in remission from multiple myeloma weighs so heavy on my heart, and feels so WRONG on so many levels. the only thing that is of comfort is that he died peacefully and without pain, and i will try with all my might to be thannkful for that. and my other great source of comfort is words written like yours, that align to my emotions and makes me know that wonderful people like you are loving, and caring, and praying for us.
love, XOXO,
karen
Thinking of you both. Such an awful awful time for you. I hope you have all the love and support to see you through. Audrey xxx
ReplyDeletedear audrey, thank you for expressing such caring and wishes for love and support. i FEEL them and will keep them close to my heart both during this nightmare of profoundly sad loss, and to lift me up when i am struggling to maintain my sanity,
Deletelove, XOXO,
karen
Oh Karen, what a difficult time. All I can do is let you know you that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. All of this unimaginable pain that you are experiencing. Please know that you are not alone. Although I have no control on what is happening around you, my prayers are with you and your husband. I send you thoughts of love and light. Hugs and Xoxoxo - Susan
ReplyDeleteoh, susan
Deletewhat a heartfelt and beautiful expression of compassion. i treasure your prayers for us, and your thoughts of love and light to help me get through such pain. thank you for the hugs and kisses, too.
love, XOXO
Karen,
ReplyDeleteholding you and hugh in my thoughts and prayers...for strength and calm...
Carolyn
dear carolyn,
Deletethoughts and prayers...for strength and calm. at times i was frantic, not comprehending WHY hugh had to suffer such fate. i must have felt those prayers as i was able to step away and truly listen to the facts of what unfolded, then let go of the fight that simply could not be won. it allowed me to focus on whatever tender mercies i could render to my beloved, that i believe gave both of us comfort. thank you carolyn for caring so deeply.
much love, xoxo
Oh Karen. I am sorry you are going through this. I'm sure Hugh has been your rock. It's not fair you have to endure this without him. But I'm equally sure you have always been his rock. And you will continue to be now. The thing is, you don't get much choice. May the support of the breast cancer community help to keep you strong. Even a rock needs a solid foundation. ((((Hugs!)))). Kate, of Kate Has Cancer
ReplyDeletedear kate,
Deleteyes, we were always a team, one lifting the other up when we fell down and were so very wounded. i can only say that in the end, we had that not just during our cancers, but all through our lives together. i think i must take to heart what you say about that, and be grateful that's how we rolled - in every disappointment, every savage assault on our well-being, and in the end, the foundation we built with love and the strength we needed to shore one another up, allowed grace and our legacy of what we gave each other to trump and assuaged the terrible wrenching pain.
much love and thanks, xoxo
karen
Karen,
ReplyDeleteI am sending you and Hugh warm hugs, strength and my prayers.
JoAnn
dear joann,
Deletei've caught them all, the warm hugs, strength, and your hearfelt prayers, and kept them safely tucked away to help hugh and me through this painful transition. they will stay with me and continue to give me what i need as i enter widowhood, still feeling hugh's nearness to me.
thanks for those gifts, i know they are helping.
love, xoxo
karen
Life is so unpredictable from one moment to the next. I am so very sorry what you are going through. I am not going to add advice or anything that hasn't already be said or written.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping you both close in my thoughts. I will pray for you..
Love Alli xx
dear alli,
Deletefor all you have endured, i feel honored to be on the receiving end of your sympathy and kindness. i want you to know it all helps when i feel like falling on the floor with such raw grief and anger and sadness. i hope you are feeling well and that things are getting better for you. and i thank
you for your kind words.
love, XOXO
karen
Karen-sending you love--the cancer curmudgeon/anotheronewiththecancer
ReplyDeletedear CC,
Deletei got it! it's right here in my heart and it carries me through to being more peaceful and being grateful for having had my sweet hugh all these many years.
much love back to you, CC - xoxo
karen
karen
All....
ReplyDeleteI got an email from Karen about three hours ago. As of 9PM nothing had changed with Hugh's condition. Please continue to keep Karen and her family in your thoughts. I know she saw all of these messages and she received emails, too. They have provided her with whatever measure of comfort that is possible under such heart wrenching circumstances.
She will update when she can. From the bottom of my heart, thanks to each and every one of you... whether you left a note or just silently sent thoughts, prayers or love her way, I can't begin to express my appreciation.
With all my love,
AnneMarie
dear annemarie and all the precious friends who have reached out with such loving support,
ReplyDeletetoday we were told definitively that hugh has no hope of recovery. his poor brain has been assaulted with so many seizures, the damage too widespread to allow for even the simplest of reflexes. i've had my moments of screaming and crying and shaking my fist at fate, and i will have more of those times, i know. after each epic breakdown, i think maybe i will feel some relief. but knowing what will happen tomorrow when my love no longer has the ability to breathe even a single breath looms so heavily. and then i see his shoes kept ready to step into for our daily walk, and our dog-girl, sadie, keeping vigil by our front door, looking for him to come home, see the smiling faces of our children and grandchildren in photos on the fridge and know they will never see their papa again, and hear the soft clink of metal from the chain i wear with his wedding ring kept close to my heart - he is everywhere, but he is not here with me.
suddenly this evening i found myself rushing back to the hospital, back to his bedside. he so loved evenings, and this most likely will be the last i will ever get to spend with him. the sky seemed to give a nod to my impulse, so filled with stars i could tell him about. sheer lunacy - he is already amongst them and has probably named them all! but i found one thing, one single thing that made me smile and gave me comfort. i fitted my hand into his ever so slightly curled fingers, felt the softness and the warmth, and closed my eyes, and felt my tears fall upon our hands; it felt like a blessing of love of the most tender sort, those tears.
irony continues to be so prevalent, so exquisitively painful it takes my breath away. on monday i have my first mammos, ultrasounds, and dexa scan since being deemed NED. i so want to cancel that appointment. and i am afraid if they hurt me, there will be fisticuffs and loud expletives. good. a perfect exclamation point to losing my beloved on sunday, and getting man-handled on monday.
we are not religious, but a deep spirituality thankfully abides and has guided me in making final arragements. but here's the thing - arragements must be made, but one cannot afford to wait until the ultimate finality. to spare our son and me from having to go through it all tomorrow, i found the Memorial Society earlier this evening. i contacted the volunteer who provides the paperwork, and explains all of the services outside of a traditional funeral, of which hugh has expressed for years he wanted no part of. we are honoring his wishes to the letter, opting for cremation, and a celebration of his life in our home 3-4 weeks from now. it will give us all time to make it very special, to accomodate many family and friends so that they will not have to rush to make flights from far away places, and allow our immediate loved ones here the privacy to grieve with one another as we keep ourselves busy with how we will honor hugh as we all gather later. hugh has always been the epitome of civility, so that plan seems a good fit. and it will be a good distraction for the aforementioned mammo, ultra-sound wait for results shit.
please know that i continue to read and re-read all the comments and e-mail left; your words will shore up my fortress so that i can remember to be gracious and show some modicum of dignity to all those wonderful doctors and nurses and techs and unit clerks who, every last one of them, has given hugh such wonderful care, held me and our son in their arms to console us, and have been so lovingly accessible 24/7. i cling to any thing that re-awakens my propensity towards feelings of gratitude, and each one of you has given me something to hang onto to welcome thankfulness back into my heart.
love, XOXOXOXOX,
Mrs. Hugh J. Sutherland (karen, TC)
Karen, dear
DeleteI am so very sorry and wish I had the very right words for you. Because I don't, I will turn to poetry and share with you and your children, something Seamus Heaney wrote in Station Island, about himself as a father and his own father as well. Dedicated to his sons, MIchael and Christopher, it begins with a memory of his own father and concludes with the kite as the soul, its "long-tailed pull of grief."
Something tells me Hugh would like it. xxx
A Kite for Michael and Christopher
All through that Sunday afternoon
a kite flew above Sunday,
a tightened drumhead, an armful of blown chaff.
I'd seen it grey and slippy in the making,
I'd tapped it when it dried out white and stiff,
I'd tied the bows of newspaper
along its six-foot tail.
But now it was far up like a small black lark
and now it dragged as if the bellied string
were a wet rope hauled upon
to lift a shoal.
My friend says that the human soul
is about the weight of a snipe,
yet the soul at anchor there,
the string that sags and ascends,
weigh like a furrow assumed into the heavens.
Before the kite plunges down into the wood
and this line goes useless
take in your two hands, boys, and feel
the strumming, rooted, long-tailed pull of grief.
You were born fit for it.
Stand in here in front of me
and take the strain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbRkzH6T338
my sweet yvonne,
Deletealways at the ready to inspire and comfort - you find the most amaging poems, that slip the bonds of what is often difficult to express, until it is put to poetry. it came too late to whisper the recitation to my hugh, but i will read it at the memorial gathering we are having at or home, just as hugh wished for. i know our chidren will apprecioate it just as i do.
much love, XOXO,
karen
Dearest Karen, I know that Hugh - in his 'enlightened' state of beingness - can hear your words of love, is aware of the tears being shed on his behalf, and knows of grief on the earthly plane, and yet I feel such a sense of joyousness surrounding him that he was able to go through that door to the Other Side without any resistance or pain, and he waits for those he loves to join in him in their right and perfect timing. Look for the signs that he is close; some will be quite inventive and will make you laugh. He loves you still. If NJ was closer, I would be there to hug you, but instead I am intending the most surprising collection of Life Celebrators will join you to share special stories of Hugh, to comfort you and your children and Hugh will not be far away, either. All sorts of love to you, Sandy
Deleteoh, my dear sandy
Deleteyou give me so much comfort, and i do believe in what you are intending for. you have been such a light of love and hope, spanning from your own concerns of those whom you love in the multiple myeloma blogosphere, to the BC community to do what you can to assuage anguish and grief. so i value you and your beautifully expressed words and feelings. thank you, thank you for bolstering everything i am hoping for, and the gratitude it brings to my whole being. i love you,
XXOOXXOO,
karen
Dear Karen -
DeleteI have loved your many comments over time and now I must reach out to you. My heart is breaking for you and when you signed your name, Mrs. Hugh J. Sutherland, I had a meltdown. I remember on my wedding day how proud I was to realize that I was Mrs. Les Hjelmstad. I still am. And now I see that same pride and infinite love in your signature.
My daughter has been widowed twice so I have seen (not experienced) widowhood up close and personal, but thank you for so eloquently expressing how it surely will be when I stand in your shoes after long years of marriage. I know you aren't trying to help any of us prepare for widowhood at this point nor should you be, but I have copied and saved your words to hold in my heart.
And to me your poignant signature has expressed your grief beyond any words.
Please know that I hold you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this most difficult transition and horrendous loss.
Oh Karen,
ReplyDeleteI don't have the words to bring you comfort, but you, Hugh and your family are right here in my prayers today. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, so sorry for this most recent news. If you need anything please let me know. Maybe in a while I'll email to see how you are doing? (I don't want to swamp you now) I'm so sorry for all of this.
You are a wonderful soul, inspiring and caring and giving. I hope we can now return the favour to you, and offer you so much support and prayers.
Catherine
dear catherine,
Deleteno worries - the favor has been returned many times over. i can't believe, and am overwhelmed with the outpouring of love, support, prayers, and thoughts you and so many others have showered hugh, me and our children with. e-mail whenever you want - i am always eager and happy to hear from you, my dear friend.
much love, XOXO
karen
Karen, Your beautiful words are a testament to your love. I am sending you love and good thoughts. Molly
ReplyDeleteoh, molly
Deletehow kind you are. paying witness to hugh's and my love was so important to me. we had so many glorious years and times we were on top of the world, never imagining it would all come to end the way it did. still...love remained the same, if not only deeper and more treasured when we both ended up having 2 incurable cancers. becoming caregivers to each other was like a lovely ballet, that ebbed and flowed like sweet honey - we danced it and tasted it in all it's flavors, and knew instinctively where it needed to be applied to heal and fortify ourselves, then sat contentedly, licking our fingers and smiling at each other. thank you for your love and good thoughts.
love, xoxo,
karen
Karen, I am crying at the keyboard for you, for the loss of your beloved Hugh, and for all that entails. I am holding you in my heart today as you deal with this awful assault to your soul.
ReplyDeletePlease think of us all out here as a soft pillow, buffering reality.
lots and lots and lots of {{{{hugs}}}}
Renn
Read Karen's comments on your blog and tried to send her a message, but it didn't go through.
ReplyDeleteI cried the whole time I was reading. It brought back all those memories, right down to wearing the wedding ring on a chain.
Tell her for me, "I wish I could take your pain and bear it for you. I do know first hand what you are feeling. Sadly, all I can do is help you to cry & hold you in my heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you."
Mary Ann (Anne Marie's Mom)
Dear Karen,
ReplyDeleteThough I do not know you, I was directed here by a blogging friend who said that you were going through something terrible and that we all needed to rally behind you.
I never could have imagined the story that I came here to find. What a horrible ordeal you are going through. I can't even put my feelings into words that adequately describe my sympathy.
Though nothing we say here will be able to take your pain or anguish away, I hope you know that we are all holding you in our hearts.
Keeping you and your beloved in my thoughts and prayers...
Leisha
cancerinmythirties.wordpress.com
oh, sweet leisha,
Deletethank you so much for reaching out to us. i hear the longing in your voice that wished we would have never have had to face such agony, and it touched my heart. thank you for keeping hugh and me in your thoughts and prayers - i know they helped us during this life-altering ordeal.
love and thanks, xoxo,
karen
p.s. thank you, anne marie, for allowing us to post comments here!
ReplyDeleteLeisha
cancerinmythirties.wordpress.com
dear annemarie and all who have commented with such kindness,
ReplyDeletemy darling hugh died late this afternoon, peacefully and without pain. as the time approached i kept thinking of how much i wished i could bargain for giving the rest of my life to have just one more day with him, to see his laughing blue eyes, to walk with him in the garden holding hands and marveling in the verdant spring that has finally come, to feel the blessedness of our two hearts always beating in sync with the joy of being together. in the end though, i put my bargaining aside and thought only of his nearness in the here and now, and sent my most loving messages for him to just fly away.
the last words hugh ever said to me were, "i'm okay", in answer to my concern for his coming up the stairs, back up to our bedroom. i feel certain he would want me to remember those words when i am weeping with the tears that stream down my face each time i ache and long for him. "i'm okay"...i must make that both my touchstone from my beloved and also my resolve.
tomorrow will be a tortuous test, back to the cancer center for those goddamn mammos, et. al, then stop at each floor to inform the physicians and nurses and staff of hugh's death. i wish i could be the cartoon character i picture in my head of a shuffling old woman clutching a clipboard with a check-list, a huge sign hung around my neck with a hefty chain that simply says, "hugh died". check. "hugh died" check... can you tell i sometimes fall sullen, and do not wish to engage in any form or expression of sympathy? it. makes. his. death. REAL. and i am going to the cancer center, which, for christ sakes, is attached to the cardio building where hugh died, with less than 24 hours having passed. on wednesday, i am scheduled for a fucking colonoscopy, which means on tuesday i will be toilet bound with the BIG PREP. it will be my absolute pleasure to cancel that appointment first thing tomorrow morning. at this point, if i have colon cancer, i can assure you, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. though i will miss having that divine drug they give beforehand. another time, maybe.
i can't believe i am now a widow. it's too big and heavy to contemplate. it happened in the blink of an eye, speeding and running me over, that enourmous, black and blazing train. i have aged hour by hour. i always aspired to look like my mother, so lovely with flawless skin, nary a wrinkle at age 88, a vital sparkle in her step and in her eyes. but alas, between herceptin and arimidex, i look more like my father, only with lipstick on. gah - such vanity - how can i be so vapid and shallow at a time like this???
thank you seems so far and away from how grateful i am to each of you for being my safe place to land, for your genuine caring, for your treasured friendship, for your expressions of empathy and kindness and compassion. how could i have known only a few months ago, tip-toeing into the BC community, that i would pass through the gates of such fear and sorrow and grief - and have made such intimate and beautiful friends to offer me the riches of solace and understanding, never even having met a single one of you in person? i cannot imagine going through it all without you. you all have been my gift and such a comfort to me - i have each of you etched into my heart with a beautiful light to help me find my way. i remember reading the words, i think, on marie's site, "we are all just walking each other home." someday soon i will once again pick up my cyber pen and continue that walk, just me along with you, TCing and loving being a part of it all.
with much love and thanks, XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
karen, TC
Dear Mrs. Hugh J. Sutherland aka Karen,
DeleteThe words and emotions you've shared here are eloquent, genuine, heartfelt and a lesson in grace for all of us.
We share in the loss of your love and hold you close in our hearts.
xo
Paula
dear paula,
Deletethank you for your very kind words and thoughts for me. and thank you for using my married name - i think you GOT what that meant! to sign my name in the tense of a marriage that i have been so privileged and proud to wear...just one last time. it was so meaningful to me, and at the same time, something i could never imagine i'd be required to, at sometime, surrender. but i am not ready for that now, and wonder if i ever will be - it's too raw, and new, and simply beyond my grasp for to be real.
love, XOXO,
karen
dear mary ann,
ReplyDeletei am sorry your message did not go through, but am so grateful for your sweet and kind words above. thank you for holding me close to your heart, for thinking of me, and for your prayers. now i belong to a club that i know both you and i never wanted to be members of. just knowing that you understand the full impact of pain first hand makes me feel both very sad for you for the loss of your beloved, and at the same time, comforted with the empathy you have expressed for me.
i send you my love and wishes for all to go well with your current treatment, XOXOXOXO
karen, TC
Dear Karen,
ReplyDeleteI have no words. Maybe it's because I know loss and grief intimately. All I can do is send love and more love and then more love again out to you and your family at this devastating time. You write beautifully and vividly. Thank you for sharing this with us. We are surrounding you with love.
Love,
Liza
dear lisa,
Deleteknowing grief and loss as you do, it means so much that you reached out to console us and surround us with love, and more love, and more love again. lovely, literally lovely. of yo to take the time to express such sympathy and kindness. i will be forever grateful to you for that, lisa.
love, XOXO
karen
Dear Karen,
ReplyDeleteToday, tomorrow, this week, next week.... know that you are shored up with love and concern and compassion and strength from everyone who knows you, who has heard your story and shared your pain. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself, don't push too hard and let people around you help when you feel it is right....
Carolyn
dear carolyn,
Deleteit means so much to hear the reassurance that so much compassion, concern, and love and strength are being lavished on us. and i am learning to be more kind to myself, to pace myself (widowhood in it's begining is the most exhausted i have EVER felt!)and gladly allow others to help. i do need all the help i can get! i can feel hugh in his sweet and tender way urging me to just breathe, that i don't have to learn so many new things so fast. i guess i want to conquer a lot of the exterior aspects, to give me courage to work on what's inside me. i am glad to have the benefit of your wise and caring advice.
much love, xoxo
karen
I am at a loss for words. All I can say is that Karen is in my thoughts and in my heart this week as she deals with more than any woman should have to bear. ~Kate
ReplyDeletedear kate,
Deletemy thoughts exactly as we entered the beginning of the end of life as we knew it. i thought that both of us having cancer at the same time came pretty close to the unbearable. but when hugh died while we were BOTH IN REMISSION? how can i not, now and again, scream "WHY????". i do it not to get an answer, because there are no answers - i do it to release myself of such crushing thoughts, that threaten to push me under and completely undo me. and when i, too, am at a loss for words.
thank you for expressing exactly how i feel - more than any woman should have to bear.
love, xoxo
kare
Dearest Karen,
ReplyDeleteI see you were up quite late. If I am still in a state of shock over Hugh's death, I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling.
The only thing that comforts me is the community that has rallied around you.
I have no wise words, nothing to make the pain any less intense, the only thing I can offer is my love. I do that today and I will do that every day.....
Saying I am so sorry seems grossly inadequate.....that doesn't begin to scratch the surface...
xoxoxox
AnneMarie
dear, dearer, dearest annemarie,
ReplyDeletethat's how i conjugate YOU! what you did for me - well, you will never know how very deeply grateful i am. i could never, ever imagine the generosity, the kindness, the concern and love you have shared with me. i am humbled and amazed that i had the privilege to be able to reach out to tell what was happening to hugh, how paralyzed and grief stricken i have been, and that all those wonderful, caring and supportive people responded in ways that truly uplifted and inspired me with LOVE. i took up so much space writing! but being able to pour my heart out in detail, as hope faded and i was so devastated, helped me face what i needed to confront so that i could let hugh go, to escape and fly away to where he needed to be. it helped me to see that our son needed me too, to make our last moments with his dad meaningful and without regrets. those moments just as hugh was slipping the bonds of being tethered to a life that was no longer viable, are ones that will be remembered as peaceful and right and of the two of us being entirely present with hugh and with each other. it was a gift, and one that we were able to both give and receive. thank you for giving me the chance to find my way to that gift that could just as easily been undiscovered, or worse, found too late.
so do not worry, my dear annemarie, i know your heart. and hugh knows it, too. i love you and am forever in your debt for one of the most generous and loving gestures i could ever hope for.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
karen
Much love going out to Karen and her family in this very difficult time. Karen, please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. (Thanks AnneMarie...you always seems to have all our backs)
ReplyDeletedear savvy sister,
Deletethank you for reaching out to me, sending your good thoughts and prayers. they will abide with me and help me as i grapple with the shock and devastating loss of my beloved hugh. your kindness and empathy are a gift to me, and i will hod them in my heart with deep gratitude.
love, XOXO
karen
Dear Karen... I'm so very sorry... Your comments are always so full of life and the love surrounding your Hugh. I can only imagine your heart break. It's not fair – no, it's not – dammit. I am remiss that I have not made contact sooner. I have been out of touch with much out there the past many days to be with my sons.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you always, much love sent your way...
xoxoxo
Carolyn, from art of breast cancer
Thank you AnneMarie, for being there. xo
dear carolyn,
Deletecan it be only a few weeks ago that i came upon your blog, left you a comment, and received such a remarkably, loving response and welcome? could either of us imagined that this horriffic loss of my hugh would happen so suddenly and sorrowfully? now, here i am, reading your heartfelt words, so compassionate, so full of love. i am touched to my very core, and thank for all that you've written. i am so very grateful to have you, my friend, to console me.
i will hold you and your precious sons and your dear systir, julie close to my heart, hoping the days of being together bring you happiness and peace...
sending you all much love, XOXO
karen
There it is, why you are so incredible to us... remembering a virtual strangers family, and even how two systirs share an archaic spelling of their word... while holding them close to your heart! You are beautiful Karen. Yes, the days here are all those things, thank you so much.
DeleteWhen my Dad died 18 years ago due to his illness (too young), and my Mom was left with that awful hole in her heart, she said nothing ever filled it, but you somehow learn to live with the void, eventually... the complete love you and Hugh shared reminds me of my folks love... so rare.
Love and hugs,
Carolyn
Oh my Dear Karen,
ReplyDeleteAs many have said, there are no words. Because we know how trite and trivial the trite and trivial banalities do sound. I can only send you my love. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain, as tears pour down my cheeks reading your responses here. I cannot begin to imagine, because I have never in my life, aside from being a mother, had a love so strong that the absence of its recipient is this devastating. You are truly blessed, as I know you know, to have the life you had with Hugh, and as one who believes that life does not end with physical death, I have to believe that souls who share such a bond cannot be kept apart in the eternities.
thank you for the encouragement and caring that you have given me at my blog. You've kept me writing when I sometimes just want to wallow in my own misery. I've come to love and look forward to your comments. I am putting up the heart of candles for Hugh.
Love and hugs, strength and peach to you,
Shelli G.
oh, shelli dear,
Deletei saw the heart of candles for hugh you put up on your site. i am touched to tears at what a generous, kind, and beautiful tribute it is, that i know came right from your sweet and loving heart. you have been through so very much these last many months, and i want you to know that i will never stop cheering you on and holding you close to my heart; wallow and rant all you want to! you write brilliantly and there are so many of us who truly care about you and love you - we will read every word, and i bet there are many who breath a sigh of relief when they read your words and know they are not alone.
much love and gratitude pouring from my heart, XOXO,
karen
Thinking of you often, Karen.
DeleteMy heart breaks for anyone who has lost a loved one as I know the feeling too well. Let your wonderful memories sustain you in this time of sorrow. Remember with gratitude all the wonderful days you had with your Hugh. Blessings to you, Karen.
ReplyDeletedear grandma saum,
ReplyDeletei know how terribly hard it was for you, too, to lose your husband. i am so very sorry for your loss, and so very grateful for your wisdom, especially about gratitude and celebrating all the wonderful memories we made. it's such a joy to read your sweet teresa's blog when she tells about all you taught her about living life with being thankful for the sweetness of ordinary days. thank you for reaching out to me and sending your blessings my way.
love, XOXO,
karen
Karen, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and sending you boatloads of hugs and comfort. Xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteoh, renn,
ReplyDeletethank you so much for the kind thoughts, boatload of hugs and wishing me comfort. these last days have been so overwhelming sorting through all the business of death. then i had a respite, and that's when the flood-gates opened. i come back to this site, to yours and others blog posts that have been so extraordinarily generous with concern and caring when i am swallowed up into the maw of grief that batters me to the very core to be able to turn outside of myself, to have the light of gratitude re-lit, and to FEEL that painful emptiness filled once again with the sweetness of love and compassion. thank you, dear renn, for being here for me tonight.
love, X0X0X0X0
karen
Karen,
ReplyDeleteI think about you every day as I watch the birds at the feeders, the trees flowering, and people out enjoying our very-late-arriving spring in Minnesota. I think of you missing Hugh. I think of you up late at night and feeling so lonely for him. Does knowing that so many friends think of you help you make it through the dark nights? I hope so. Sending light and love.
Teresa
oh, teresa,
Deletethank you for sending me this message, thank you for thinking of me, and thank you for sending your light and your love. my heart is overflowing with thankfulness - i have been just a little person on the blogoshpere, commenting to bloggers in the BC and multiple myeloma worlds, sending my thoughts, support, and learning and sharing. the bonds that have been formed, close and loving, are overwhelmingly amazing and they truly are helping me. they help me get outside of myself when i think of how you and others have taken the time out of busy days to keep in touch and ask how i am doing.
missing hugh has taken on new realities, some i just can't bring myself to face without feeling excruciating sadness and despair - the calendar marked already through the rest of this year with things he won't be here for, going to our children's homes for the first time alone, when their beloved father and our grandchildren's papa won't be with me, all the times i have medical appointments and will have to go without him sitting beside me, holding my hand, then taking me home and laying down with me for a peaceful nap. having a respite from time to time over the nearly 3 weeks since hugh died, dealing with the business of death (which i know is necessary, but i resent and just wish would leave me the hell alone and go away), has allowed the huge waves of raw grief to have it's way with me, and it's then that i am overcome with the long stretch of time i will have to live without him. thankfully, i've worked hard over the past 4 years since hugh, then i, then us together had to rely on living one day at a time and reaping the peace and fulfullment of ordinary days. i know hugh would want me to remember that and to continue to savor and take delight in all that we enjoyed together. i am trying to make each time i am able to get outside of myself a sort of victory, a sort ot tribute to the wonderful life i was so fortunate to have with hugh.
i hope you are doing well. teresa, and that springtime in minnesota will step away from it's shyness and explode in it's full glory - though maybe showing through a bit at a time will make it last more sweetly. please know i think of you constantly, and read every post of your blog. did you see annemarie's message - that she would send you my e-mail address? her's is listed under her photo, near the top of the page, on the left in case you want to ask her to send it. please say hello to your dear mom - tell her again how much i have been touched by her messages to me. and know that i FEEL the love and light you are sending me.
love, XOXO,
karen