My niece was here over the weekend. She has quite a stash of toys. As I was putting them away, I was struck by each of these items, coincidentally within inches of each other.
Like Humpty Dumpty, I feel like I took a great fall.
My body has been broken. Humpty, despite the attempts of "all the kings horses and all the kings men" could not be put back together.
Me?
Despite the skill of some of the finest doctors in the world who did put me back together again using lots of surgical tape, glue and stitches, I have come to learn there is far more to being put back together than the work of my doctors.
The real work is squarely upon my shoulders. Being whole is a choice I must make. For me. And only for me.
My Post Treatment World is an emotional minefield. I have chosen to embrace those emotions and channel them. I want to be part of a global change.
Being part of a change of such enormity is quite lofty. And, it requires gumby-like flexibility in the way I think. Keeping myself whole - body-mind and soul - requires gumby-like resilience.
Having my world changed by the word cancer and looking over my shoulder, which I know I will do on some level for the rest of my life, is like that box from which Humpty springs. Knowing what could pop out is frightening.
Each day, I turn that handle. Each day I am conscious of the fact that the door DID open once. Might it open again? With which turn?
Life in PostCancerLand is far from child's play.
Life in PostCancerLand is no child's play is RIGHT. Yet We do laugh and mock and poke fun. Cancer can't take that from us. Maybe it's just whistling in the dark, but I'll whistle with you!
ReplyDeleteYes.. we do laugh.. and poke fun at tons of stuff! When I'm with my good buddy (my 3D friend who has a cancer dx)... we can go from fear and tears to anger and ultimately wind up at the side splitting laughter. THAT's the power in being with people who "get it."
Deletexoxo
AnneMarie,
ReplyDeleteHumpty Dumpty is an excellent analogy. I also have been gutted open more times than I can recall and put together again, but like you, I know that getting through that emotional minefield is up to me. In truth, nobody can truly help us but ourselves.
You are not alone. I keep looking over my shoulder and will do so for the rest of my life. I have to learn to accept that, though.
The sense of community...the energy that continues to build within this community has lifted me up on more than one occasion. None of us is alone and that is why I am so grateful for what we share.
Deletexoxo
Continuing yesterday's "in sync" theme...... This is a post Terry Wingham wrote for an Oncology newsletter..... She's on the road so I'm taking the liberty of linking her up here.... From my buddy, A Fresh Chapter:
ReplyDeletehttp://multimed.current-oncology.com/patients/what-happens-after/
Being whole really has far less to do with body parts than it does heart and soul. Thanks for the inspiration!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lisa.
DeleteYes, it sure does....... It's what's inside that counts.
Hugs to you...
The S Factor strikes again! (Though to be fair, I wrote this post last year: http://thebigcandme.blogspot.com/2011/06/humpty-dumpty.html)
ReplyDeleteSmiles!
-Renn
I love that "The S Factor" has Stuck!!! Going to read the post right now!!!!
DeleteWonderful! And if I may repeat the Hemingway quote I used earlier this week...
ReplyDelete"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places"
Love that quote and I was stunned to read Terry's post, too. More of that S Factor! This has been simply wonderful. Ingenious thought and thrilled that so many jumped in!
DeleteThe analogy I used was comparing myself to a push-puppet. Push the plunger at the bottom and I collapse, but I always spring back up, a little wonkier than before.
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