This will be her first day back since her mets diagnosis and I'm sure it is going to be emotional. I know she loves where she works and she will be surrounded by tons of support. Still, most of her co-workers won't "get it." There may be awkward moments. What is appropriate to say? This has been discussed and written about, I'm going to guess, HUNDREDS (if not thousands) of times.
I'm not a mets patients so I am not going to pretend that I understand, either. I've just learned from listening and that would be my best suggestion. Less talking and more listening. And the talking might be best along the lines of, "Do you want to talk?" If I had more energy, I'd go hunt down all of the blog posts I could find to provide a roadmap for Barb and her co-workers.
Lisa Bonchek Adams was recently diagnosed with bone mets so her posts are the ones that immediately jump to my mind. I'm leaving them as links with the web addresses in case cutting and pasting is necessary. Lisa's words may help describe feelings that I can't pretend to understand.
Here are the links to the blogs I follow. I follow more, but I forget to update the list so I could use a little help if I'm missing any....
The first group of blogs are written by Stage IV patients.
And for you, Barb.... I know today is going to be emotional. You know how to get me if you want to talk. I'm here.
And, I happened to see a comment you left on Dirty Pink Underbelly's blog. Seriously? Hit by a bus??? I'm so damn tired of hearing the "hit by a bus" thing I think the next time someone says it, I will THROW them in front of a bus. There's a big problem with that analogy.
Some of us are very safely in the suburbs where buses are scarce.....thereby reducing our chances by the mere fact that there aren't any buses. That's for starters. And for the city dwellers. Some of us are walking safely on the sidewalk, far from the street. Others are walking a bit close to the curb and several others are cautiously walking on the shoulder of a very busy city street. THEN, there are those who are walking IN THE BUS LANE directly AT THE ONCOMING BUS TRAFFIC.
In a nutshell, THAT is the problem with the whole hit by a bus thing. So, I hope the next time you hear that bus comment, you can laugh while saying,
"Tell me about the bus when you step off the sidewalk and find yourself walking in the bus lane toward oncoming traffic during rush hour."
Too mean? Maybe, but then, isn't "hit by a bus" even meaner? Yeah, thought so.
xoxoxo
A happy new year to you AnneMarie - good to see you in fine voice at the start of another year of kicking cancer ;-)
ReplyDeleteAhhh, thanks very much Marie!! I didn't forget about looking for a favorite blogpost, I just got distracted by life and the holidays. I started reading through these and then, by some stroke of IDon'tKnowWHAT, I finally straightened up a huge mess of paperwork that had being piling up for three MONTHS (I thought it was 3 WEEKS).
DeleteHappy New Year..... 2013.... a year of big things.... I have to believe there are big things on the horizon. The hopefulness of meaningful change and making a difference, no matter how small, will keep me going!
Love to you for ALL you do!!
xoxox
AnneMarie
Oh my... I'm reading this while getting ready for work. I can't begin to tell you how much you mean to me. I am so glad I came across this crazy blog when I thought I was going crazy. Love you my friend! Thanks for having my back! Barb :)
ReplyDeleteYou KNOW it! I will always have your back. Have a good "back to work" day. If you are glad you came across the blog, I can assure you I am MORE GLAD that you let me know you were able to relate. You validated me and made me believe my words meant something to at least one person...... My "screen" came to life because of our first interaction.
DeleteI think you said it best when we spoke..... something along the lines of adding to the #FearlessFriend list. I don't want ANYONE to be on that list and I am still stunned that you are now there. It's the biggest part of what drives me to do what I am doing and as this evolved, that list has become highly personal and the stakes are huge for so many people that mean the world to me.
YOU mean the world to me. MUCH love to you....
xoxox
Annemarie
Hmmm . . . literally speaking, I take the bus all the time. If someone were to use that line in my direction, I hope they'd follow it up with the offer to buy me a car. And I think you're so right about the listening - it's a huge thing, even if you aren't in someone's situation.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, AnneMarie!
Ha.....
DeleteHappy New Year, Catherine!! Here's my take on listening... Many people are so consumed with their own thoughts about what THEY are going to say next, they aren't listening to a damn thing....
Giant Hugs to you,
AnneMarie
What's this "hit by a bus" thing? I suspect it may be something related to the uncertainty of life...Am I right?
ReplyDeleteYes, Grazia..
DeleteIt's one of those American phrases and yes, you got it right. So many of us have had our cancer diagnoses (and MOST disgracefully, a mets dx) somewhat dismissed with the idea that the person speaking (and who does not have cancer) says, "I could go out now and get hit by a bus" ... and it makes my blood boil. That's why I broke down the whole scene.... big difference walking on the street in NYC or walking on the sidewalk. Come to think of it... I could work Rome into that reply, too. Some crazy drivers in that city!
xoxox
Happy New Year, Anne Marie! And I echo what marie said... I am thrilled to see you in such fine form on this, the 2nd day of the new year! Write and rock on!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Hi Renn,
DeleteBoy oh boy.... I'm trying to get a rhythm going but since I STILL feel like today is Monday, I think this could take more time than I anticipated. I will share that I DID manage to do a bit of "reorganizing" with my paperwork. Ushering in the new year with a bit more order....
That will give me more of a chance to keep moving my big mouth!!
xoxo
Interesting point about the bus thing. Clearly farmers in Montana don't have to worry about getting hit by a bus. Maybe a combine, though. "In case I get hit by a combine . . . " Bot then if you say, "If get hit by vehicular traffic . . . " it takes the fun out it.
ReplyDeleteAs a member of the Mets, I just want people to treat me the same way that they did before. And if they want to say something I think it's more than okay to say, "I am so sorry," or "I feel bad that." What the hell, this isn't the time to get all righteous about it; after all, if it were us we would want to express our support. And sometimes "I am so sorry" is all someone knows what to say. Hell, I still don't know what to say.
And is is some kind of sick coincidence that the Mets is the most disrespected ball club in NY? I think there is a conspiracy. We've been thrown under the combine, dammit!!
You, my friend, are a one woman show! No clue about the Mets and the disrespect, I just know they are FAR more fun to watch... they do silly stuff on the bench (rally caps? where all the players in the dugout would wear their caps backward if there was a big inning possible)...
DeleteIf only we had rally caps for BC Mets... I'm working on pushing research so it catches up to you quickly..... Spare the damn farmer the additional work of having to clean that combine.....
xoxox
LOL re the NY Mets, Scorchy! I've often thought about interjecting that but didn't want to inadvertently offend anyone who didn't truly understand the reference! AM ... what to say? On point as usual. And speaking of "buses" I took it home NYE (a short trip) and some young moron got sick and the driver had to let us all out in the cold. I wouldn't have cared, but I'm still coughing and determined, I waited 30 minutes for the next one that never came. Glad you posted Lisa's links for Barb. There have been some good pieces written -- here is another I saw recently: http://survivingsurvivorship.blogspot.ie/2012/10/someone-has-cancer_15.html?m=1 It's more general, but I think it offers some sound advice. Glad your sister's pathology was clean -- let's discuss Friday. Planning to come by if you're okay with that. xoxo
DeleteYes, BA.... tomorrow you know where to find me....
Deletexoxox
Thanks for the shout-out AnneMarie. The "hit by a bus" bullshit was thrown at me from the moment I was diagnosed with mets. Both my closest friend and my shrink of all people would throw it at me whenever I talked about dying. In fact, it turned out that my friend didn't even really believe that I was terminally ill for the first few months of my treatment. She was convinced that there was a cure and I was just being negative. My shrink knew better, and it took me a while to finally get the gumption to tell her how invalidating the "hit by a bus" crap really was.
ReplyDeleteNow that the mets are in my brain, they both believe me. I just don't see or hear from them much anymore. To be fair, my shrink moved to St. Louis so we talk only through Words With Friends. But my closest friend has been mostly MIA. Luckily I have more steadfast friends online.
You DO have lots of friends online and not one of us is going anywhere. Hearing that your closest friend is not around upsets me. Hearing that being metastatic wasn't "good enough" proof PISSES ME OFF....
DeleteI think you already know every one of your emotions will always be welcome and embraced. I do believe that is how we "met." A comment with language led me to you and THAT has led to our pending shopping date for CL's in totally useless, impractical colors.
Love you, Acacia.... I'm here. Always.
xoxox
Count me in on that smack-down, Acacia! As AM always says, the online relationships we build cut through all the BS. Even when some of us (I'm guilty) are off the radar, we always have your back. And I read your blog religiously. You are not alone and only wish we all lived in closer proximity. You have touched many and in a lot of ways, those emotions bind people closer than the people we "see" routinely day to day. XOXO
DeleteWe've all got your back, Acacia! All the love and support in the world. Where's this best friend live? I've got a combine with her name on it.
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxo
I call Shotgun. Is there even a shotgun in those things? Never mind, I'll do the pushing.....
Deletexoxo
You go girl!
ReplyDeleteOh, and as for the bus thing.....I am on year three of chemo. Week after week, I trudge to the infusion room and get hooked up. I have seen all the seasons, three times, out the window.
ReplyDeleteToday, I was sitting in the chemo infusion room today with newbies. The newbies were quiet but their families were not. I heard every horrible cliche you could hear from them, one from a woman who would not be quiet. She was there for her dad but a nephew had childhood cancer and is an adult now. He beat it so now she thinks every one will.
I heard that a positive attitude will cure cancer, that kids are the shining example of how to deal with it, that her sister couldn't handle cancer and it was okay for her to disappear from her nephew for years to protect herself, and I heard, yes, that everybody can get hit by a bus. Then I heard that it was "cynical" people who die.
I was the ONLY person in that room with a mets diagnosis so that annoyed me. This chemo thing is all old hat to me so I am not a chatterbox anymore. I am friendly but they will be gone in 3 months and I won't, so I don't get really involved now. Most of the time, when they find out how long I've been going they ask for advice and they are respectful and horrified at the same time. Anyway, I finally had it with the chatter when I heard the cynical remark. I said, "Do you mean that I am dying because I am cynical, and I didn't live up to somebody's idea of how a cancer patient is supposed to behave? Well, she was a lot more interested in herself than anybody there and she just talked and talked about her positivity theory. The girl I was sitting next to, who has been there a long time and reads my blog (but was dx'd stage III three years ago and comes in for Lupron shots), said "But you are positive."
Yes, but lots of positive people are in the ground.
40,000 women a year die of breast cancer. Do even 20 people get hit by buses?
I understand that an accident can happen any time and anybody can die and the bus is a cliched metaphor for sudden death. But we know we are dying. It is not the same.
Anyway, when I was able to work, my coworkers were very nice. Even if they said a cliche, they said it with every kindness meant and I took it that way. It was nice to have people who cared around me, and nobody says the perfect thing in these situations. Nobody said anything dumb, like it was my fault, or they would have been set straight. If you can work, people will respect that.
PinkGoose - my brother has not spoken to me in the three years since my diagnosis. He doesn't take my calls, he doesn't contact me. At my mother's memorial he didn't run away but that was it, he had no choice but to be there. Once for an unavoidable family event in three years.
We cancer patients all learn - people disappear. But those who remain? They are your gifts. Let the others go and hang on to those.
Sorry, didn't mean to write a manifesto! Guess I better update my own darn blog, lol. :)
Oh how I LOVE your manifestos! I will openly admit: I can't possibly understand. But, that doesn't stop me from trying to empathize and attempt to step into "how the hell would I feel?" and I hope that always comes through.
DeleteWhen I see a "You Go Girl" from you, I know I got it right!
Love and hugs and NO MORE BUSES,
AnneMarie
"We cancer patients all learn - people disappear. But those who remain? They are your gifts. Let the others go and hang on to those."
DeleteAbsolutely Right!
THANK YOU for the words against the "hit by a bus" analogy. Not walking in traffic (a risk factor for being hit by a bus I would think), yet I cannot stop being a woman with breasts. Well, I could, but I don't want to do that.
ReplyDelete