There are a couple of text shortcuts in the title. Most of us know LOL although I tend to use haha when I send a text. Don't know why I can't seem to embrace LOL. Also, I don't quite understand much more than :) or ;) .... well, actually, I understand them when they are sent to me, but my replies don't extend beyond smiley or winkey. I'm a big hug and kisser. And, it's not just a way to end a note. They are heartfelt. So, to everyone who's following along..... xoxoxoxox
In case translation of the title is required:
GFY = Go F__k Yourself
CTFO = Chill The F__ k Out (thank you Terri from A Fresh Chapter, I Like That, Lots)
Last week, it was mom's scan and just as I let my guard down, believing I was free of all doctor appointments for SIX whole months, the unwanted call. It's no big deal. I'm sure it's not a big deal. Just like I am SURE this pain in my back that seems to be radiating from my lower back and around my pelvic bone and is breaking right through the leftover pain meds.... that's nothing, too.
My relationship issues are challenging at best, damn near impossible to fix on the other end of the spectrum. You know. Those things I still can't share. There are a few other things that have caused a bit of havoc in my life. Right now, as far as I have come in little more than one year (and damn, I have come so far)...... in this moment, it feels as though I obliterated an entire year of progress. Certain things are beginning to feel like deja vu all over again.
This is all stuff for another day. The details of the nonsense that knocked me down in the past 12 hours..... For now, it's all about a greeting card..... Because, I am just so done. And this card captures the sentiment just perfectly. In other words, I don't want a F____ing word of encouragement. I want to wallow in my own disgust and irritation if that's okay with everyone. Because sometimes, ya just gotta stop believing in that zen crap. Today is one of those days. OKAY???
Sometimes we're the bug. Sometimes we're the windshield. I think you're entitled to feel like you've been smashed. You might consider Belleruth Naperstak's Guided Imagery audios & see if there's something there that speaks to you.
ReplyDeleteXOXOXO,
Brenda
Dear AnneMarie,
ReplyDeleteIn reply to your post which said "I don't want a F____ing word of encouragement. I want to wallow in my own disgust and irritation if that's okay with everyone."
NO IT'S NOT F____ing OKAY. OKAY? Wallowing actually makes you sick, as far as mental health goes. Shrinks do studies on negative thinking v. positive, and guess who heals faster? Guess who lives longer?
It's not a matter of stupid empty words of encouragement from others who don't know what to say, because we are taught to shy away from disease.
It's a matter of staying in bed, not eating except ice cream, not brushing your hair, v. getting the F up, getting dressed and going out. The shrinks (I've gone to for a long time) call it "problem solving behavior". By getting things accomplished, you might be able to feel better in small ways each day.
Wallowing just allows bad feelings to fester and become infected. The feelings start to take an outlet in other areas of your life, like road rage, and carrying a concealed weapon.
Okay, end of psychology 101 lecture for today. You've been schooled. I don't ever want to hear those words again, or you WILL be writing them on the digital whiteboard 100 times!
Love, Evelyn (WiFi) going to store, be right back
Thanks, Brenda....
ReplyDeleteI was going to check the MP3's when I read about this on your blog. Going to do that right now! Sleeping last night? Pretty much NONE. Which makes today a day of "useless." Hoping to get into bed soon!!
xoxox
Hi Evelyn,
ReplyDeleteI got the lecture loud and clear! No wallowing allowed..... can't promise I won't have moments, though. Aside from chemo days, I don't think I ever got to the not getting out of bed point. I just came from therapist and at one point began to question him about "is it me attracting drama?" I'm the common thread in this current round of bs. I didn't think it was me but ya never know. He laughed-assured me, "NO, you are not a drama magnet" and began to point out item by item the shit that's been hurled in my direction in a very short span of time. Made me realize I'm pretty damn okay. Functioning and doing whatever my BRAIN (ugggg-this is my biggest issue) will allow. Stopped lamenting what I can not do and maintain focus on what I CAN do. We can hold off on the whiteboard for now!
Love,
AnneMarie
I really like going to my therapist, too. She doesn't know anything about cancer, she doesn't feel sorry for me, she treats my cancer problems like any other -- problems I need to get a plan, make a list, check things off, report back. That really helps me. It's like having a person with a brain that I can present half-baked ideas to, and she lays out some pros and cons.
ReplyDeleteLike how your guy took your fears of being a "dramatiste" and pointed out how much you have to take on, much more than other people. And the range of emotions that someone with cancer would be expected to feel. I like how he said that. It makes even me feel good, too.
Did I just say that I feel good? Wow. That doesn't happen a lot.
ttyl, WiFi